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Mom Whose Own Mother Admitted Playing Barbies Was Torture Still Calls Her The Best Mom In The World, And A Clinical Psychologist Backs A Simple 15 Minute Rule

Jane Clark

When Kris Ann Valdez was a bored kid, she did what most children do. She asked her mom to play. Her mother’s answer was honest and a little surprising: she did not play, but she would gladly snuggle, read a book, or do a craft.

Years later, Valdez says her mom told her the reason straight out. “Playing Barbies was like torture to me,” her mother admitted.

Source: Scary Mommy.

She Never Felt Unloved, Because Mom Offered Everything Else

Valdez wrote that she never took her mother’s boundary as a lack of love. Her mom crafted with her, baked with her, snuggled and read, and that was plenty. She still counts her as the best mom in the world.

The memory hit home again recently, because the roles have flipped. Valdez now has a 3-year-old who asks her to play, and she feels guilty about it. She works a lot during the day, and her older kids are at school.

She admits that when her little one asks, she sometimes half listens while checking email. Her kids notice every time and let her know she is not listening.

Two Child Experts Say Play Is Good, But Guilt Is Not Required

To find out whether she was shortchanging her kids, Valdez asked two experts. Dr. Sasha Hall, a senior educational and child psychologist, explained that play supports communication, problem-solving, emotional regulation and creativity. But she said parents should focus on noticing their child and being responsive, predictable and safe.

Hall believes parents sometimes overcomplicate connection. She added that being available is different from being involved in everything.

Dr. Anne Welsh, a clinical psychologist, mom of four and author of “Ambitious Mother,” had a practical suggestion: about 15 minutes a day of child-led activity. It is loosely based on Parent-Child Interaction Therapy, which in its formal version uses five minutes a day of child-directed “special time.”

Welsh says she sometimes engages two kids at once. When a child is struggling, she goes back to connection time first. The goal, she says, is a pocket of time when you are fully present, not a certain number of minutes.

She also said one of the biggest things a child gets from this time is the experience of mattering.

You Can Bond Without Ever Picking Up A Doll

The experts agree that connection does not have to look like a tea party on the living room floor. Valdez’s piece lists plenty of ways to bond that skip pretend play entirely:

That is good news for parents like Valdez’s mother, who found one kind of play miserable and another kind joyful. A kid who learns to stir cake batter with mom may remember it far longer than a game of Barbies that mom was dreading.

What 15 Minutes Can Look Like On A Busy Weeknight

It helps to picture the idea in real life. Maybe it is the stretch after dinner when the dishes can wait. You sit on the floor or the couch, put the phone in another room, and ask your child what they would like to do.

If the answer is building a block tower, you hand over blocks and say what you see: “You made it so tall!” You do not have to correct, teach or steer. Describing what your child is doing tells them you are paying attention, and that is what they are after.

For a working parent who feels the clock ticking, that small window can feel more doable than an open-ended promise to play all afternoon. It also gives you something to point to on the days when guilt starts to creep in. You showed up, fully, for a short time, and that counts.

Older kids work the same way. A teenager may not want to play at all, but a ride to practice with the radio off, or a late-night snack at the kitchen counter, can be their version of a pocket of time.

The Four Rules For Playing Without Pretending

If you are a parent who dreads the toy box, here are the takeaways from the experts:

  1. Let the kid lead. If you do join in, let your child direct the activity. You do not need to invent the game or perform for an audience.
  2. Be present, not performing. Distraction-free attention for a short stretch counts for more than an hour spent half-watching a screen.
  3. Encourage independent play. Time spent solving problems and entertaining themselves helps kids build skills of their own.
  4. Pick your pocket of time. Choose 15 minutes, or even less, when the phone goes in another room and your child gets your full attention.

Valdez’s own conclusion is a comfort to anyone who has ever felt like a bad parent for not loving pretend play. Her mother did not play with her, and she turned out feeling deeply loved. What her mom gave her was steady, warm attention in the ways she genuinely enjoyed.

That is a useful reminder for any busy household. Your kids do not need a perfect playmate. They need a parent who looks up from the screen, laughs at their jokes and lets them know they matter. If that happens over a plate of cookies or a walk around the block, instead of a doll house, nothing is lost.

And if you have a few minutes tonight, put the phone down, ask your child what they want to do, and let them be the boss of the next quarter hour. It may be the best part of the day for both of you.

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