A few years ago, a mother posted a question on a parenting forum that thousands of parents immediately recognized: her in-laws doted on her older daughter but barely acknowledged her younger son. Birthday gifts were lopsided. FaceTime calls were one-sided. At holiday dinners, the older child sat on Grandpa’s lap while the younger one played alone on the floor. “My son is four,” she wrote. “He already knows.”
Grandparent favoritism is one of those family problems that gets waved away as harmless or inevitable. But developmental psychologists say the effects are neither. When grandparents consistently treat one grandchild as special and another as secondary, the fallout can shape how both children see themselves for decades. For parents caught in the middle, the challenge is protecting their kids without severing a family bond that still matters to everyone involved.
Why favoritism leaves marks that outlast childhood
Children are remarkably perceptive about who gets more. Extra gifts, longer hugs, inside jokes, enthusiastic praise for one sibling and polite tolerance of another: kids catalog all of it, often before they have the vocabulary to describe what they are feeling.
Research bears this out. A 2021 review highlighted by the American Psychological Association found that perceived favoritism within families is associated with higher rates of anxiety, depression, and lower self-esteem, particularly when the unfairness comes from a caregiver the child is supposed to trust. The effects are not limited to the child who gets less. The favored child can develop an inflated sense of entitlement or carry guilt about their status, and the dynamic between siblings often curdles into rivalry that persists into adulthood.
Jensen, the Brigham Young University researcher whose work the APA review draws on, has noted that it is not the mere existence of differences that causes harm but the child’s perception that those differences are unfair. A grandparent who spends more time with a grandchild who lives nearby is one thing. A grandparent who openly calls one grandchild “my favorite” is another. Children can tell the difference, and so can their developing sense of self-worth.
For younger children especially, repeated experiences of being overlooked by a grandparent can distort their understanding of relationships. They may internalize the message that love is conditional, that they have to earn attention, or that something about them is simply less lovable. Parents who worry their child will eventually cut off contact with grandparents are not catastrophizing. Estrangement researchers, including work published in the Journals of Gerontology, have documented that perceived unfairness in childhood is one of the recurring reasons adult children distance themselves from extended family.
How favoritism poisons the sibling relationship
Grandparent favoritism rarely stays between grandparent and grandchild. It leaks into how siblings treat each other.
When one child consistently receives more warmth, gifts, or attention from a grandparent, the other child notices and reacts. Sometimes that reaction is withdrawal. Sometimes it is aggression toward the favored sibling. Sometimes it is a slow, quiet resentment that surfaces years later. Sibling researchers have found that external favoritism, whether from parents or extended family, intensifies competition between brothers and sisters and can erode the cooperative bond that siblings need to navigate childhood together.
The favored child is put in an awkward position too. They may feel pressure to perform or to maintain their “special” status. They may sense their sibling’s hurt and feel guilty without knowing what to do about it. In some families, the favored grandchild becomes a gatekeeper of grandparent access, which gives them social power they are not equipped to handle.
Parents who stay silent about the imbalance risk sending an unintended message. A younger child who watches their parent tolerate obvious favoritism may conclude that the parent agrees with the grandparent’s ranking, or at least that the parent will not fight for them. Over time, that silence can damage the parent-child relationship as much as the favoritism itself. Children remember who spoke up for them.
Talking to grandparents without detonating the relationship
Family therapists are nearly unanimous on one point: favoritism should be addressed directly, not ignored in the hope that grandparents will self-correct. But how the conversation happens matters enormously.
The most effective approach, according to licensed family therapist and author guidance from Focus on the Family, is to talk with grandparents privately, away from the children, and to frame the issue around the child’s emotional experience rather than the grandparent’s character. Saying “When Lily gets three birthday presents and Sam gets one, Sam asks me why Grandma doesn’t love him” is more likely to land than “You always play favorites.”
Specificity helps. Vague complaints (“You treat them differently”) are easy to dismiss. Concrete examples (“At Thanksgiving, you held Lily on your lap for an hour and didn’t speak to Sam once”) are harder to wave away. Parents should also come prepared with a clear request, not just a grievance. That might sound like: “We’d love for you to spend 15 minutes of one-on-one time with Sam at the next visit” or “Going forward, we’re asking that gifts be roughly equal in number and value.”
When the issue is financial, such as college funds, inheritance, or large gifts, some families benefit from setting a written agreement. The principle is straightforward: if resources are limited, it is better to give less to all grandchildren equally than to give generously to some and sparingly to others. Children notice disparities, and they remember them long after the gifts are forgotten.
Not every grandparent will respond well. Some will deny the favoritism. Others will become defensive or angry. Parents should be prepared for pushback and should decide in advance what their non-negotiable boundaries are. A grandparent who refuses to acknowledge the problem after multiple honest conversations is telling the parent something important about their priorities.
Protecting the less-favored child in real time
While adults work through difficult conversations, the younger or less-favored child still has to sit through family gatherings that may feel lopsided. Parents can take concrete steps to buffer that experience.
One strategy is to build in dedicated one-on-one time between the parent and the less-favored child during or immediately after visits. If Grandma spends the afternoon focused on the older sibling, the other parent can take the younger child to the park, read together in another room, or plan a special outing for just the two of them. The goal is not to “make up” for the grandparent’s behavior but to ensure the child has a consistent source of warmth and attention that does not depend on the grandparent’s mood.
Another approach, recommended by parenting educators at ParentMap, is to foster peer and cousin relationships that give the child a sense of belonging outside the grandparent dynamic. Cousin sleepovers, neighborhood playdates, and group activities where the child is valued for who they are (not ranked against a sibling) can provide a counterweight to the favoritism they experience at family events.
In cases where grandparents refuse to change and the favoritism is severe, limiting visits may be necessary. This is not a decision most parents make lightly, and therapists generally recommend it only after direct conversation has failed. But protecting a child’s emotional health takes priority over preserving a grandparent’s access. Reduced contact, supervised visits, or skipping certain holidays are all options that families use when the alternative is watching a child absorb repeated rejection.
Helping both children feel secure at home
Parents cannot control what happens at Grandma’s house, but they have enormous influence over what happens at their own kitchen table. The single most protective factor for a child dealing with external favoritism is a home environment where love and attention are not scarce resources.
That means being intentional about how praise, time, and affection are distributed between siblings. It does not mean treating children identically (kids have different needs and different temperaments) but it does mean making sure no child has to compete for basic warmth. Parenting researchers consistently find that children who feel securely attached to at least one caregiver are better equipped to handle rejection or unfairness from others, including grandparents.
It also means talking openly, in age-appropriate ways, about what the child is experiencing. A four-year-old who asks “Why does Grandma like sister more?” deserves an honest answer, not a deflection. Something like: “I’ve noticed that too, and it’s not okay. It’s not because of anything you did. You are just as lovable and important, and I’m working on it.” Naming the problem validates the child’s perception and tells them they are not imagining things.
For the favored child, parents can gently address the imbalance without making that child feel guilty. Saying “Grandma gives you a lot of attention, and that’s nice, but let’s make sure your brother feels included too” teaches empathy without punishment.
Favoritism from grandparents is painful, but it does not have to define a child’s story. The parents who handle it best are the ones who see it clearly, name it honestly, and refuse to let politeness override their child’s need to feel valued. That is not blowing up the family. That is holding it together in the way that actually matters.