You step into a story that mixes betrayal, blame, and the raw stress of pregnancy. A new mom says her partner cheated while she was pregnant — then told her it was her fault he strayed — and that claim forces you to confront how people shift responsibility to protect themselves.
You will learn why blaming the victim happens, how infidelity during pregnancy harms mental and physical well-being, and what signs mark healthy versus unhealthy relationships. This piece breaks down the events, explores the emotional fallout, and outlines steps someone in that situation can take to protect their safety and choices.
The Story: What Happened
The new mom discovered the affair, heard her partner shift blame onto her, and now navigates pregnancy, trust issues, and decisions about co-parenting. The next parts lay out how the infidelity came to light, what he said to justify it, and how pregnancy changed their dynamic.
How the Infidelity Was Discovered
She found messages on his phone after noticing unusual late-night texts and a change in his routine. The messages included flirtatious exchanges and plans to meet; timestamps showed conversations occurred during weeks when she thought they were reconciling.
She confronted him at home with screenshots and asked direct questions. He admitted to meeting the other person twice but minimized the encounters as “not serious,” then switched to blaming her for pushing him away during pregnancy.
Friends later corroborated odd behavior: he canceled plans, avoided social events where she’d be present, and altered his online profiles. The accumulation of digital evidence and eyewitness accounts convinced her the affair was real rather than a misunderstanding.
Partner’s Reasoning for Blaming the New Mom
He told her his infidelity happened because pregnancy changed her mood and libido, and he framed his actions as a reaction to feeling neglected. He said her pregnancy-related stress and physical changes made intimacy difficult and claimed he “needed attention” elsewhere.
When challenged, he used minimization language—calling the affair a lapse and insisting she had created the emotional distance that led him to stray. He pointed to specific incidents—an argument about prenatal appointments and a week she spent with her family—as “proof” of her coldness.
She perceived this as gaslighting because he repeatedly shifted responsibility onto her while refusing consistent accountability. His narrative focused on her behaviors, not his choices, and he avoided discussing his role in rebuilding trust.
Impact of Pregnancy on the Relationship
Pregnancy intensified existing tensions and introduced new stressors like medical appointments, body changes, and financial planning. Those stressors revealed communication gaps: they argued more about schedules, responsibilities, and how to prepare for the baby.
She experienced anxiety and isolation, partly because her partner’s blame implied she caused his betrayal. That affected her willingness to rely on him for prenatal support and left her questioning co-parenting plans.
Practical matters became contentious: who would attend obstetrician visits, how to split parental leave, and whether counseling should happen now. Trust issues complicated these decisions, making cooperation on logistics and emotional support harder to achieve.
Emotional Effects on the New Mom
The experience left her reeling emotionally and uncertain about trust, safety, and her role as a mother. She faced immediate shock, ongoing self-doubt after being blamed, and risks of longer-term anxiety or depression that could affect bonding and daily functioning.
Shock and Betrayal During Pregnancy
She reported feeling stunned the moment she learned of the affair, which interrupted the expected emotional focus on the pregnancy. Physical symptoms surfaced: sleepless nights, loss of appetite, and sudden panic during routine prenatal visits. Those reactions tied directly to the timing — betrayal while pregnant often amplifies fear because the mother is protecting two lives, not just her own.
Emotionally, she described acute distrust that made simple conversations tense. Activities that previously felt safe, like prenatal classes or nursery shopping, triggered reminders. Friends and family noticed she withdrew and became hypervigilant about partners’ behavior and explanations.
Coping With Blame
When her partner blamed her, she faced a second layer of trauma: self-questioning on top of shock. She tried practical steps first — documenting conversations, seeking counseling, and asking for clear timelines about the affair — to regain a sense of control. Those actions aimed to separate facts from the partner’s accusations.
She also relied on tangible support: a trusted friend who accompanied her to appointments, a therapist who offered cognitive techniques for challenging blame narratives, and a postpartum support group where other women validated her experience. These measures reduced isolation and helped her rebuild factual understanding of what happened.
Long-Term Emotional Impact
Months later, she still contended with intermittent anxiety, especially around sleep and leaving the baby with others. Trust rebuilding remained uneven; she reported frequent doubts about emotional safety in relationships and occasional flashbacks to confrontations during pregnancy. These symptoms risked affecting parenting routines like breastfeeding and soothing, because stress can reduce milk supply and increase irritability.
Therapeutic interventions showed measurable benefits: attachment-focused therapy and trauma-informed counseling improved her mood and parenting confidence. Practical adjustments, such as co-parenting agreements and monitored communication, also helped establish boundaries that lowered daily stress.
Blaming the Victim: Why It Happens
Partners sometimes shift responsibility to avoid shame and to keep control. That tactic minimizes their accountability and redirects anger toward the pregnant partner, often framed as “you made me do it” or “you pushed me away.”
Psychology Behind Shifting Blame
Blaming the victim often springs from cognitive dissonance: he wants to see himself as good while his actions contradict that self-image. To resolve the discomfort, he rewrites the story so her behavior, moods, or body changes become the cause of his choices.
Narcissistic traits and low empathy make this easier. He may use gaslighting tactics—denying facts, questioning her memory—to enforce the alternate narrative. Shame avoidance also plays a role; admitting infidelity threatens his identity and social standing, so he projects fault onto her instead.
Common Relationship Power Dynamics
Power imbalances shape how blame gets deployed. If he controls finances, social contacts, or decision-making, he can weaponize those controls to silence or coerce her into accepting blame. This creates a feedback loop where she doubts herself and he avoids facing consequences.
Cultural and gender expectations amplify the problem. Messages that expect women to be caretakers or sexually available during pregnancy give him ready-made excuses. When combined with manipulative behavior, those expectations enable him to frame his infidelity as her failing rather than his choice.
Effects of Infidelity During Pregnancy
Infidelity during pregnancy can damage mental and physical health and reshape relationship dynamics after the baby arrives. Expecting mothers often face increased anxiety, sleep disruption, and uncertainty about future co-parenting.
Stress and Health for Expecting Mothers
Pregnancy-related stress from a partner’s betrayal can raise cortisol and blood pressure, which clinicians link to preterm labor and low birth weight. She may experience persistent anxiety, panic attacks, or depression symptoms that complicate prenatal care and reduce appetite or sleep quality.
Practical effects include missed medical appointments, difficulty following prenatal recommendations, and less energy for labor preparation. Emotional pain also affects decision-making: she might delay birth planning, avoid discussing parenting roles, or seek extra medical reassurance.
Support matters. Counseling, trusted family, and targeted prenatal mental-health services can lower stress markers and improve outcomes. Documenting symptoms and communicating them to a provider helps secure appropriate care and, if needed, referrals for therapy or psychiatric treatment.
Trust Issues After Birth
Betrayal during pregnancy often carries into early parenting, undermining trust in everyday tasks like feeding schedules and nighttime caregiving. She may doubt the partner’s reliability, question his commitment, or feel insecure when he is alone with the baby.
This distrust can lead to rigid control over child care, repeated checking of the partner’s phone or whereabouts, and heightened conflict about division of labor. Co-parenting discussions may become transactional rather than collaborative, increasing tension during feedings, doctor visits, and sleep routines.
Repair requires consistent transparency, accountability, and time. Concrete steps—shared calendars, clear responsibilities, therapy focused on attachment and communication—help rebuild trust. If the partner minimizes or blames her, professional mediation or safety planning should take priority.
Moving Forward After Betrayal
She needs clear steps to rebuild trust, protect her emotional health, and decide what boundaries are nonnegotiable. Practical actions and specific support options help her move from shock to a sustainable plan.
Seeking Support From Friends and Family
She should tell one or two trusted people what happened and ask for specific help, like watching the baby for an hour, driving to appointments, or sitting through a difficult call. Naming concrete needs prevents vague offers that don’t translate into relief.
Friends and family can provide perspective and safety. She might designate a single point person for updates to avoid repeating the story and conserve emotional energy.
If she fears judgment, she can start with a neutral ally — a sibling, close friend, or a parent who has shown consistent support. Setting boundaries about advice (ask only for emotional support or practical help) keeps interactions focused and reduces conflict.
Considering Therapy or Counseling
She should look for a therapist who specializes in postpartum mental health or relationship betrayal; online directories let her filter by specialty, insurance, and telehealth availability. Seeking a clinician with experience in infidelity helps address both trust issues and the impact on parenting.
Couples therapy can work only if both partners commit to honest participation and accountability. If the partner blames her or refuses responsibility, individual therapy remains essential.
Practical steps: check insurance coverage, read therapist bios, and schedule a 15–20 minute intake call to assess fit. Emergency resources (crisis hotlines, postpartum support lines) should be bookmarked if feelings escalate.
Signs of Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships
Healthy relationships show clear respect and consistent support. Partners listen, speak honestly, and share responsibilities without keeping score.
Trust feels steady rather than conditional. People maintain personal interests and boundaries while making time for each other.
Unhealthy relationships often include control, manipulation, or frequent belittling. When one partner isolates the other, questions their decisions, or dismisses feelings, red flags appear quickly.
Patterns matter more than isolated mistakes. Repeated lying, blame-shifting, or threats — including telling someone their behavior caused another’s infidelity — signal deeper problems.
Look for communication that stays calm and constructive. In healthy dynamics, disagreements end with compromise or clear steps toward repair.
Watch for cycles of apologies without real change. If promises repeat but behavior doesn’t, the relationship may be unhealthy.
Behavioral cues help identify risk: possessiveness, rapid emotional intensity, or sabotage of friendships and goals. These behaviors reduce autonomy and increase dependency.
Seek help when safety or emotional well-being feels compromised. Resources such as the One Love Foundation’s list of unhealthy signs and guidance on common red flags from mental health sites can offer practical next steps.
More from Decluttering Mom:
