A pregnant woman sought advice from the Reddit community after she began to suspect her in-laws were planning a baby shower she had already said she did not want — over and over again. What made the situation especially frustrating, she explained, was that this was not the first time her wishes around the pregnancy had been brushed aside.
In her post, the woman said she and her husband had gone through two years of infertility and multiple surgeries before finally becoming pregnant. She explained that when they got married back in June, she had already made one thing clear to everyone around them: she would have a wedding, but there would be no baby shower. She said she gets overstimulated easily, does not enjoy being the center of attention, and had no interest in turning her pregnancy into another big event.
That boundary, however, did not seem to stick.
She said her sister-in-law kept pushing past boundaries even after being told no
According to the post, the woman’s mother later told her that her sister-in-law was planning a baby shower anyway, despite having been told no “at least 10 times.” That left the mom-to-be feeling like she was being pushed toward exactly the kind of situation she had spent months trying to avoid.
She also said this was not the first time her sister-in-law had ignored a clear request. Earlier in the pregnancy, when the couple shared the news with close family at eight weeks, they specifically asked that no one tell others yet. But she wrote that her sister-in-law immediately started texting extended family members to ask whether they knew the “good news.”
Another issue followed the couple’s low-key gender reveal, which the poster later clarified was not really a full party at all. She said it was just cupcakes shared with a handful of her husband’s immediate family members. Even so, she wrote that her sister-in-law posted pictures of the decorations before the woman had told all of her own family members she was pregnant. To her, that felt like one more example of excitement taking priority over consent.
The real conflict was not the party itself, but what it meant about respect
The woman made it clear that she did not want to hurt her sister-in-law’s feelings and understood that she was probably excited. But she also said she worried that attending the shower would mean letting her boundaries be walked all over. She had already tried to offer an alternative by suggesting a small shopping outing with just her husband’s immediate family instead of a traditional baby shower. Still, she suspected the shopping trip might just be a setup for the bigger surprise she had already said no to.
Part of the reason she felt so strongly was that she did not want gifts either. She explained that she had worked as a nanny for seven years and believed much of the baby product market was unnecessary clutter. She and her husband were also financially stable, so she had even suggested that any money people wanted to spend on a shower or gifts could simply be donated instead.
That was what seemed to sharpen the issue for her. She was not refusing the shower because she was ungrateful or uninterested in support. She was refusing it because she had repeatedly explained what she wanted, offered alternatives, and still felt like the people around her were looking for a way to do what they wanted anyway.
She admitted she was considering simply saying she did not feel well, driving separately, and leaving if the surprise shower actually happened. But she also knew that if she walked out, she would almost certainly be painted as the bad guy.
Reddit users said the bigger problem was not the shower — it was the refusal to hear “no”
In the comments, many Reddit users said she was not wrong for refusing a shower she never wanted in the first place. Several people said the clearest problem was not the event itself, but the fact that she had already said no multiple times and her sister-in-law appeared determined to push ahead anyway. One commenter advised her to address it directly before it happened, saying she should make it clear that if she walked into a surprise shower, she would leave immediately.
Others said she needed to stop worrying so much about seeming rude and focus instead on the fact that her wishes were being ignored. One person shared a story about a surprise party almost being thrown for them despite years of openly saying they hated that kind of attention, and said the only thing that worked was bluntly restating the boundary and spelling out the consequence.
Some commenters did get hung up on the mention of a gender reveal, but the original poster clarified again that it had been a tiny family moment with only about six people — not a full-scale public celebration. For her, that seemed to be beside the point anyway. The actual issue was that she had tried to keep this pregnancy small, private, and low-pressure, and each time she set a limit, someone seemed ready to step over it in the name of excitement.
That was what appeared to resonate most with readers. This was not really about whether baby showers are nice or whether family members mean well. It was about a pregnant woman realizing that if people only respect a boundary when they personally agree with it, then it is not really being respected at all.
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