A mother said one of the hardest parts of co-parenting with her ex-husband after transition has been trying to protect the one role she feels should still belong to her: mom. That conflict came to the surface again when her daughter’s pre-k class announced a “Muffins With Mom” event, leaving her wrestling with whether her ex, who is now a trans woman, should attend as well.
According to the mother, this is one of the few areas where she still feels deeply unsettled and protective. She said that when she had children, she believed she was building a family with a man and that the two of them had agreed to be a mom and a dad. Since the divorce and her ex’s transition, she said she has tried hard to be respectful, supportive, and accommodating, even when the changes have not been easy for her emotionally. But she also said she has repeatedly asked for one thing in return: that she be allowed to keep the title of “mom” as her own.
For her, that request seems to carry emotional weight far beyond one school event. She said she still wants things like Mother’s Day, mommy-daughter outings, mommy-son moments, and school traditions centered around moms to feel like they belong to her. In her mind, that is not about refusing to acknowledge her ex’s identity. It is about holding onto one piece of the life and family role she originally thought she would have.
The issue came up again while the children were FaceTiming their other parent in the car. During the call, her ex brought up the “Muffins With Mom” event the next day, immediately putting the mother on edge. She said part of her frustration came from the fact that she is the default parent and the one who usually knows about school events, assemblies, and classroom activities. She described herself as the parent who reliably shows up for parades, events, and school functions, while saying her ex often does not attend those types of things, even though she is currently not working as far as the mother knows.
Then the conversation took a turn that made the whole situation feel even more emotionally loaded. Her son reportedly chimed in and told his other parent, “You could go because you’re like a mom.” That comment stood out to the mother because, she said, only a few weeks earlier the same child had been adamant that he had just one mom when another child suggested he had three, referring to his mother, his father as a woman, and his stepmom.
Her daughter, on the other hand, had a different reaction. According to the mother, the little girl responded by saying, “You’re not a mom. You’re a dad.” She then added that dad starts with D and the school was celebrating the letter M, which is why they were having “Muffins With Mom” in the first place. For the mother, moments like that seem to deepen her concern that the situation is confusing for the children, even if adults around them may prefer to say they will simply adapt over time.
That appears to be one of the central tensions in the story. The mother said she generally tries very hard to be kind, respectful, and careful with pronouns and other aspects of her ex’s transition. But she also feels there is a tendency for people to dismiss how complicated this can be for the children, and for her. She said she does not think it is always as simple as saying kids are resilient and will just figure it out. In her view, they are being asked to navigate something layered and emotionally tricky, and that does not come without confusion.
At the same time, she admitted that part of her reaction is personal and emotional. She said plainly that she wants “Muffins With Mom” to be hers, and that she no longer cares if that sounds selfish. After years of trying to accommodate her ex’s needs and respect the transition, she said this feels like the last request she is making for herself. She described it as the one thing she truly wants to keep.
She also said the thought of showing up to the event only to have her ex and the children’s stepmother there as well would be deeply uncomfortable. Rather than feeling like a sweet school memory, she fears it would turn into a painful reminder of how far her life has drifted from what she once imagined. While she said she would love to feel like one big happy family, she admitted that the reality is much rougher emotionally than that picture suggests.
What comes through most clearly is that this is not just a disagreement about a classroom breakfast. It is about identity, grief, boundaries, and the emotional fallout of a family structure that no longer looks anything like what one parent expected. For this mother, “Muffins With Mom” is not simply a school event. It is a symbolic space she still wants to claim as her own in a life where so much else has changed.
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